JADE’S TANTRIC LIFE
tips & reflections FOR A TANTRIC WAY OF LIFE
How to start a tantra practice at home: a woman's guide
Whether you’re single or in a relationship the first step to building a connection with others is to foster a connection with yourself. Follow these steps:
Part 1: Go within
- First, create a quiet space free from distractions. Use cushions, candles, scents, soft music – whatever puts you in a state of relaxation.
- Start your practice with breath work. Deep breathing exercises that will clear dormant energies and unblock your chakras (energy center). Sit with eyes closed in a comfortable position, instead of laying down, as sitting allows energy to circulate around the whole body. There are many online tutorials. (I also offer one-on-one coaching) Do this for 10 – 15 minutes, three times a week for two weeks.
- After two weeks of breath work, you’re ready to start a meditation practice. To begin, start with deep breathing for the usual time, then remain sitting in silence for another 10 minutes. It’s normal for the mind to wander. Even the most seasoned meditator has these challenges. For now, the objective is just to sit and observe your thoughts. Allow them to come and go like passing clouds, without focusing on the details of each thought. Set a timer if needed. Combine breath work and meditation for another two weeks.
- After two weeks, add 5-10 more minutes to your meditation. Use mala beads to help you focus, or repeat a mantra like: I give myself permission to pleasure. Or, I am a desirable woman.
- Maintain your breath work and meditation practice.
Part 2: Touch yourself
- Plan a bath date with yourself. Include candles and soft music. Take a few minutes for deep breathing and relaxation. The goal is not to rush.
- Next close your eyes and touch your whole body slowly and tenderly, even your private parts. Notice your curves, the texture of your skin and bodily sensations. Take your time. Do not masturbate for now. Just touch. Explore your sensuality.
- Finish the bath with body oil while your body is still damp. Do this slowly in a full length mirror. Look at your body as you moisturize it. Pick out three parts you like. Say why you like them. For example, I like my feet because my toes are all neatly lined. Pick out three parts you don’t like as much and say, for example, my stomach is pudgy but that’s ok. Give all your parts love and attention.
After 4 – 6 weeks of practice you will notice a more loving relationship with self. From this bedrock of intimacy you can begin exploring your sexuality.
As you can see Tantra has little to do with sex. It is a path of acceptance, a spiritual tradition that focuses on liberation via the body. Those who solely use Tantra as a sexual union is missing a larger tantric discipline – an inner technology that encompasses our mental, physical, spiritual and emotional bodies, allowing all feelings and sensations to be met with acceptance.
TRUST THE KISS, SEX CAN MISGUIDE YOU
Recently, a podcast giving relationship advice changed my view about sex. My previous opinion was that sex should happen early, not necessarily on the first date, but certainly not months later. I believed that when chemistry was obvious, it made sense to ‘test the sex out’ to see whether a relationship had potential. For me, sexual compatibility was the key ingredient for a sustainable relationship.
By sexual compatibility I also mean sexual etiquette. Is he a generous or selfish lover? Does he practice foreplay and after play? Or does he just roll over, and snore? Does he take his time to explore, or does he simply devour? Size and scent matter too. I wasn’t so narrow minded as to base the sustainability of a relationship solely on sex, but overall, I thought sharing a similar sexual energy was the way forward.
Like many of you, I mistook chemistry for compatibility. A relationship that’s almost all chemistry burns hot, then burns out! The podcast recommends waiting to have sex, and with good reason. When we get sexually involved early, when we surrender to lust and longing, the brain produces feel-good hormones, like dopamine and serotonin, that keep us hooked. Addicted like a junkie we want the next fix – to the detriment of our other faculties.
There I was, a scorched junkie. The chemistry burned so hot that the instincts I normally relied on jumped out the window! When I caught him repeatedly stealing money from me, I reduced the severity of his actions and forgave him easily because of the chemical high. The feel-good hormones clouded my judgment, turned off other parts of my brain. I became so enthralled by this person, riveted by these feelings that I tricked myself into believing the tingly sensations were the stuff that would make this relationship work. My body was so addicted to the high I didn’t pay attention to the warning signs, much less be concerned with any real proof of compatibility.
Real compatibility is the stuff that CAN sustain a relationship on a deeper level, help it navigate through difficult times, like communication, support, core values, interests, stress and finance management, view of the future, etc. These things aren’t as exhilarating as desire and passion. They don’t trigger the dopamine effect, and they certainly don’t deliver instant gratification. They require time to uncover. Foolishly, cheap thrills made me put them on the back burner.
If I prioritize compatibility, when should sex or chemistry make an appearance? If I’m four months into a relationship and we still haven’t done it, how will I know we’re a sexual match? You’ll know it in the way you kiss, the podcast advised. How you kiss, touch, and explore each other without having sex is a good indication of how the sex will be. Trust the kiss. Trust his touch. It’s a good measure of sexual chemistry. Even if he proves not to have the right etiquette, these are things he can learn versus trying to change his core values.
The podcast prompted me to reflect on past relationships. It was easy to see how chemistry had the power to steer me off course. I recall moments of wild makeup sex and the feeling of deep connection afterward. The sexual chemistry was so imposing and persuasive that the important issues we initially argued about were conveniently forgotten in the afterglow. Never to be discussed again until the next argument. And in this way the cycle repeated. So what’s my belief now? Definitely trust the kiss. Sex can take you for a hell of a ride but it can also leave you high and dry!
(Podcast: The School of Greatness with guest Jillian Turecki)
SEEK THE BEAUTY IN LIFE'S BETRAYALS
In June 2015 I returned from six weeks abroad to discover my husband had moved out of our Brooklyn apartment. I was blindsided, devastated, and extremely hurt. The short of it was he no longer wanted to be married but suggested we could remain living together – part time – while he stayed with his mother getting his “shit together”.
My suspicions were alerted. I soon discovered he was having an affair. He’d been spending a lot of time, not with mom, but with her. Much of his wardrobe had vanished alongside his presence, yet he wanted continued access to our home. When I confronted him with his lies, he went silent. Texts and calls went unanswered. There was no further communication from that point on. I was ghosted. A woman scorned.
I became bitter. Five years together didn’t have to end with such betrayal. The love we shared deserved an honest, respectful ending. There was no need to resort to lies. I’m not the kind of woman who clings to a man. When you don’t choose me, I gracefully take my leave. But grace was not an option given the sly hand I was dealt.
I was heartbroken. The instincts I ordinarily relied on went out the window. I became obsessed with wanting to know why he left. I asked with him for answers. I held his sneaker collection hostage hoping we could talk. When silence ensued, I threw them all into a dumpster, but the satisfaction was short lived.
I wanted to understand my role in the break down of our marriage, but without communication from him, I could only fill in the blanks with my ruminations. I began turning things over and over in my head searching my memory for signs.
The more I ruminated the more I was filled with resentment and vengeance. How dare he? I wanted to expose his philandering ways to his friends and on social media, except the imagined satisfaction quickly turned into self-ridicule. A public tell-all would only make me an object of gossip. So I talked myself out of it. Resentment is a pill you swallow hoping the other person would die.
Having given up my revenge tactics, I was left with the trauma and pain. What was I to do now? Stalk him? Snoop around for information about his new life, his new lover? It would only fuel my anger and resentment. Torturing myself further with obsessive thoughts would only give away more of my power. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I had already botched my graceful exit, so I stopped short stalking him. I chose dignity and self-love rather than investing more energy into a man who didn’t chose me. It took a lot of reminders and practice. and in the end my self-respect won out. Losing a cheating husband was one thing, losing my self-worth was another.
In my work as a Tantric coach, I advise clients to seek the beauty in life’s betrayals. It’s not easy when someone you love has done you wrong. But once the pain subsides you may be surprised by the lessons it leaves behind. I didn’t have to look far to find the beauty – or the irony, for that matter. Beneath his betrayal was my resilience, patience and fortitude; my ability to adapt to life’s changing tides, my capacity to bounce back, regroup and realign. I chuckled at the irony of it all. Because he failed to see the light in me, I shined even brighter. Just like the moons and like the suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like the hopes springing high, Still I rise*
*Still I Rise by Maya Angelou
The Business of Cuddling
INSIDE A SNUGGLE SESSION
You may think it odd, and just down right pathetic to pay someone to hug you. What poor soul would engage in such a bizarre transaction? Surely only someone sad, lonely and pitiful with no one to love them would pay for something that humans give freely to each other. Let me take you for an inside look at a snuggle session. You may be surprised that this lonely soul has struggles similar to your own.
I’ve been a snuggle guide since the early days of Tantra Haven in Brooklyn, New York. Although cuddle sessions made up only a small portion of my clients, I did have one repeat client who left an indelible mark on me. I’ll call him John.
We first had a phone consultation as is the norm for all new clients. I insisted on speaking, rather than texting, to feel whether our energies were compatible, and to see if the service I provided would meet his needs. I began the consultation with the usual question: What sparked your interest in a snuggle session with me?
John: I was seeing another cuddler, but she recently moved away. I liked her. We had a good connection. But now she lives too far.
He asked if I knew of her. He knew there weren’t many of us out there, even in NYC, and finding someone you’re comfortable with is even more challenging. No, I replied. How long were you seeing her?
John: For a few months. But since I stopped working, didn’t see her much. Then she moved away.
What were your sessions like?
John: She received at her apartment. We would cuddle on the couch. We talked a little. She massaged my back a bit.
What kind of work did you do?
John: I drove for a car service company for 17 years. Then I became a dispatcher and sometimes I still drive a few clients around. But now I’m out on disability since the surgery.
What did you have surgery for?
John: I had this stomach issue. The surgery for it was a while back. But after I was still in a lot of pain.
When he explained the reason for the post-surgery pain. I was in shock! They had forgotten a medical instrument inside of him causing him to suffer needlessly for weeks. Initially, he dismissed it as part of the recovery, but the pain only intensified. When he got checked out they found scissors inside of him. He went into surgery a second time to remove the scissors.
Oh my God! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was dismayed and outraged. The incompetence and utter carelessness! That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. That’s a crazy story! You only hear of things like in the news, was all I could say. I paused, then added, Do you have any questions for me?
John: Yeah, are there any stairs where you’re at?
He shyly admitted that despite having lost a significant amount of weight post-surgery, he was still over 300 pounds. He had swollen feet and ankles which made climbing stairs a challenge. There is one flight of stairs here, and I don’t have a couch. I do sessions on the floor. He said that was all right and the consultation ended with one last question.
John: Are you comfortable seeing someone like me?
He had to muster his confidence to ask me that. I felt compassion toward him. Thanks for sharing your story. I was moved to help him in any way I could. We can try a session and see how it goes.
John: Ok. I might be interested to book a two-hour session. Can I let you know when we meet?
In the days that followed John came in for his first session. I went downstairs to open the front door. True to his description, he was a big guy, struggling just to walk. He entered the building and hobbled up the stairs holding on to the railing, one stair at a time. We entered my home studio. An area on the floor had already been prepared with a floor mattress and cushions. Relaxing music played in the background. While he removed his sneakers and socks, I took notice of his swollen feet and ankles. I invited him to sit. He struggled to lower himself down to the floor. I made him comfortable with a few cushions and offered him some water. We got the usual greetings out of the way, and got right down to the business of snuggling. He mentioned some of his favorite positions and I agreed to try them.
We first got into a spooning position. We had some light conversation then he began to talk more deeply about himself. He said he was long time married, but his wife no longer touched him. They slept in different rooms, especially since the surgery. They once shared a beautiful love story, but now they were merely roommates. At first she nursed him but later she became repulsed by his condition. Few kind words were exchanged between them now. No doubt his body ached physically, but I sensed his heart carried its equal weight in pain.
We switched positions a few times. I spooned him. He spooned me. He shifted from one position to the next laboriously. While spooning me, he asked if he could stroke my hair and my arms. I said yes. I felt comfortable, safe and in control. I threw my legs over his. Put my arm around his neck. Cradled his head. He said he missed being close to a woman. He liked my scent and thanked me for being kind. He was a gentle giant and a gentleman. We got right up close to each other. Breathing closely in silence. Holding hands. Holding each other. He smelled clean. We talked some more. He berated himself for all the weight gain. It shamed him that he couldn’t see his own feet or his penis – and couldn’t get an erection. He was determined to lose another 100 pounds.
I’m not a therapist, I’m not qualified to counsel him, but I can hold him, help him release some of life’s stresses. It was apparent John did not have a quality relationship with his wife. However he felt about his marriage, whatever caused him to gain so much weight, whichever feelings he needed to unload, he felt safe enough with me to let down his guard and speak with honesty. We connected over his vulnerability. Toward the end of the hour, he said he would like to extend the session to two hours. So we cuddled some more, changing positions, speaking intimately. He talked more about his work, and offered to drive me anywhere I needed to go – to the airport or food shopping – free of charge. This generosity toward me was a sign that he was receiving good care.
You may wonder what kind of person would get that close to a random stranger, particularly one befitting John’s description. No doubt, our interaction was transactional; he paying for a service I rendered. Though I was slightly taken aback at first, even if I’ve seen bodies of all types, I’ve learned to ignore superficial judgments and allow my humanity to show. Our heart to heart connection was natural and kindred, honest and sincere. Cuddling activated oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, that helped us bond.
